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Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Big Decision

Okay. I've made a decision. Drum roll, please......................


It feels really weird to finally be saying where I'm going. I don't feel like its real. I haven't really told anyone yet either. And I don't really want to.

I think it's because I'm scared. I think I'm more scared than I've ever been. I'm trying to remember if I felt this way before going to London. I remember being nervous and trying to be brave, but this feels like its bigger. Because it is. I'm moving across the country to a city I've never even visited where no one knows my name.

In some ways that's liberating. I can re-create myself. I can be whoever and whatever I want to be. Of course, I won't change who I am really, but I can be more of what I'm trying to be - outgoing, selfless, caring, poised, alluring, etc. Super Jenny.

But mostly it frightens me. I'm trying not to be scared, especially since I feel my decision was directed by the Spirit. I fasted and prayed and studied and pondered. On Fast Sunday this last month I sat in Relief Society, praying to know where I should go to school. As I prayed, I felt a distinct thought come to my mind - Boston. It repeated throughout the hour. I thought to myself, well I guess I'll go to Boston if you want me to...but I really want to go to London. All of a sudden I felt a strong desire to go to London - it had never been stronger. But I knew that I was probably supposed to go to Boston. I think that's what made my desire for London so strong. I knew then that I wouldn't have it. Not now. And that was hard, giving up one dream for a better opportunity - another, newer dream. I was still kind of wishy washy about it when I heard that I got the assistantship at Boston, though that made me less washy. Then it was General Conference, and I went in with one question: should I go to Boston? And I came out with the same answer. Yes.

I shouldn't have questioned it. When I received my answer about not going to New York last summer to teach at the technology camp, I acted without delay. But this whole Boston thing seemed much bigger and expensive and I just felt confused about all of it.

I have begun telling people that I'm going to Boston. The words feel funny coming out of my mouth, like they're not mine. And maybe they're not. But I have to have faith that they're the words of someone who knows what is best for me.

People ask if I'm excited and really I'm too scared to be excited. It's been hard coming to this decision and I think it's been so stressful that I haven't let myself feel excited about it. But I'm beginning to get there. Thinking of things like spending Thanksgiving weekend with my brother Mike in New York and seeing broadway plays and making new friends and yes, potentially meeting the brilliant man of my dreams all come to mind and make me more excited. Bit by bit it's becoming more of a reality. The trick is figuring out how to tell everyone at work. I mean, there still is a chance I won't go - September is a long ways away. But I need to tell my coworkers and my boss what my possible future looks like. I think telling them will make me feel better about it too because I've been tortured by the idea that I'm somehow lying to them. I love them all and I love my job - its the best job I've ever had. But I need to go to Boston. The more I think about it the more I know it's something I'm supposed to do.

But I'll be acting on faith the entire way, praying that I can do the right things wherever I am. Sheesh, life decisions bite.


  1. I'm so glad I found your blog again. Boston will be so exciting Jenny and I will visit yesiree

  2. So stoked for you Jen! Love you!