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Saturday, April 9, 2011

The End is Nigh

My college days are slowly coming to an end. It's so strange to think I'm done. Of course I'm not quite done. A Masters and possible PhD loom somewhere vaguely ahead, the masters less vague but still up in the air. I only applied to BYU's film studies program. There was no time for other applications, plus I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do. I'm still not sure. But I get excited about the prospect of watching and writing movies, sometimes I think about directing. That's something. I feel odd thinking about so-called grown up things like full-time jobs, careers, moving somewhere other than provo for a while. I'll be honest - I'm scared. I'm scared to move places alone. I'm scared that I won't be able to work somewhere I love. I'm scared that I'm doing the wrong things.

Even though I'm feeling this way, I've also never felt so trunky in my life. I'm sitting in my Econ class right now. I swear he's not talking about anything that will be on the test. So I'm blogging! I'm paying attention, really I am. But i have finally realized, after four years of busting my booty for straight A's, that grades are secondary to knowledge. Yes, grades can reflect your knowledge and allow you to obtain more in the form of scholarships and acceptances to programs (and, despite what everyone tells you, a GPA makes a BIG impression on a resume. I'm pretty sure I can attribute most if not all of my being hired at different workplaces to the fact that I have a 4.0 - everyone who says they don't matter doesn't have one), which is why good marks have always been important to me, but it's not a measure of who I am as a person - there! I finally said it. Whether or not I believe it is still in the works, but at least if Econ kicks my booty this semester I can celebrate that I'm human.

It's still important to me to get good grades. I'm kind of upset that I may not finish my college career with a 4.0 (how snobby is that?!) I've worked hard for strait A's and who knows, maybe I'll still get it. But in the end, I'll have a degree and that's the truly important thing. I put so much pressure on myself. It doesn't help that my advanced writing teacher saw my resume and now refers to me as his 4.0 student when we talk. He expects it from me now. Why do I care what he thinks? Well, his expectations only reaffirm my own. I respect him and I want him to respect me. It's the same with all of my teachers - doing less than my best would disappoint them and me. I like being the one who gets all A's. It's probably a pride thing. In fact, I'm sure it is. It would definitely hurt my pride to not finish with a 4.0, but hey, like I said before - grades don't make me a better person! And perhaps dying academically in Econ is just a little nudge from God to help me be more humble.

In summary: I know I'm good at school. But there's so much more in life that I'm not good at, and most if not all of those things trump school in a heartbeat. In a few weeks I'll know what my final GPA will be. Though I wish they would be all A's, in the end (like my mummy has been telling me since kindergarten) life will go on, and it will rock.

COLLEGE? She DONE! Almost... :)

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