I feel like I was intellectually prepared for the temple. I knew enough about the covenants and the proceedings (thanks, in large part, to my mummy) to not feel anxious about those parts. I knew I was ready and worthy to go through the temple. What I was not prepared for was the personal doubt I would feel about the timing of my temple visit. Why now? That's what I kept asking myself. The idea that I couldn't go back once I had gone through made me anxious. What if I mess up later? With greater knowledge of the gospel and how I should be living, my mistakes and actions contrary to the gospel would be more serious. The higher on the ladder you climb, the farther there is to fall. I felt this unsettling fear about making promises in the temple that I doubted I could keep - doubting not based on past experience but based on future uncertainty.
I expressed my concerns to my mom, and she asked me this: "what do you do now when you make a mistake?"
"Repent," I answered simply. And therein lay the answer to my fears. I will be making big promises, yes, but haven't I already done that? With baptism and partaking of the sacrament each week? It's a greater commitment, but not one that is impossible to achieve or scary. I will be the same person after I go through the temple - and that person is a good person who is already living the way she should! Mostly. I mean, there's always stuff I can do better. Tons of stuff. But I am trying, and that's the important part. And the temple can help me get there. The pessimistic perfectionist in me was, as ever, telling me I couldn't do it. And she was right. Turns out that's why we have the Atonement. How grateful I am to know that!
Being in the temple with many of my family members was just wonderful. My mom was so happy to see us all there. I loved it, and I look forward to being able to return to visit the temple with my siblings who couldn't be there, as well as - God willing and stubbornness granting - my future husband. Because family, my friends, is what it is all about.
Congratulations, Jenny!
ReplyDeleteIt truly is such a wonderful feeling, isn't it!
I have to admit, I had similar thoughts and "what if" questions running through my mind. As it has been a little over a year since I have gone through I realize now that I have a greater understanding of the gospel, and that, for me, leads to an automatic desire to do what is right. I feel so much love and gratitude while I'm in the temple that I don't want to make decisions that would keep me from going and to have those experiences that will ultimately make me better.
When we move back, how about you and I go do a session?
Oooooh, yes, let's do! That sounds like a good plan.
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